The Husband Store

A brand new store has just opened in New York City that sells Husbands. When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the entrance:

"You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors and the value of the products increase as you ascend the flights. You may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building”

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

-The 1st floor sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs
-The 2nd floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
-The 3rd floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids and are extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

-She goes to the 4th floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help with Housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

-Still, she goes to the 5th floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help with Housework and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the sign reads:

-Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a New Wives store just across the street.

-The 1st first floor has wives that love sex.
-The 2nd floor has wives that love sex and have money.

-The 3rd - 6th floors have never been visited.

Tour Bus Driver

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus full of old aged pensioners when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.

She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on the shoulder again and she hands the driver another handful of peanuts.

When she is about to hand him another batch again, he asks her "Why don't you eat the peanuts?"

"We can't chew them because we have no teeth", she replied.

"We just love the chocolate around them."

Dear Tide

Dear Tide:

I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am almost forty and with kids, I find it even better!

In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out!

In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.

What a relief! Going through pre-menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product.

Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people.

The New Corvette

He got his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the highway patrol behind him, blue lights
flashing and siren blaring.

He floored it to 100mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the Trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the Trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes.
Today is Friday.

If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The old gentleman paused. Then said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir," replied the Trooper

Spoons.

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.

When the waiter brought our water and cutlery, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" "Well, "he explained, "the restaurant’s owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped piece of cutlery. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our staff are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I’ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter’s zip on his trousers. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the rest-room. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the rest-room by 76.39 per cent."

I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"

"Well," he whispered, "I don’t know about the others, but I use
the spoon."

Grass Eater

A man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw a man eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

"Why are you eating grass?" he asked the man.

"I don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.

"Oh, please come to my house!" "But sir, I have a wife and four children..." "Bring them along!" the rich man said.

They all climbed into the limo. Once underway, the poor fellow said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us in."

The rich man replied, "No, you don't understand. The grass at my house is over three feet tall!"

Eleven People on a Rope

Eleven people were hanging on a rope, under a helicopter. Ten men and one woman.

The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall.

They weren't able to choose that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech.

She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.

As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping

25 ways to tell you are grown up

Dear Dad

A father passing by his son's
bedroom, was astonished to see the bed

was nicely made, and that everything was picked up and tidy.

Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It
was addressed,



'Dad.'



With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the

letter, with trembling hands.



Dear Dad,



It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing to you. I had to

elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with

Mum and you.



I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I

knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercings',

tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much

older than I am.



But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the
woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a
dream of having many more children.



Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't, really

hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with

the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and

ecstasy we want.



In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS,
so

Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!



Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know

your many grandchildren.



Love, your son, Joshua.



P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house.

I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in

life than the School report that's on the kitchen table.

Why Americans Should Never Be Allowed To Travel

The following are actual stories
provided by travel agents:

I had someone ask for
an aisle seats so that his or her hair wouldn't get messed up by being
near the window.

A client called in inquiring
about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info,
she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the
train to Hawaii?"

I got a call from a woman
who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length
of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with
"I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts.
"Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained,
"Capecod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response
... click.

A man called, furious
about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation
in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to
explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the
state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida
is a very thin state."

I got a call from a man
who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No."
He said "But they look so close on the map."

Another man called and
asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation,
I noticed he had a 1-hour lay over in Dallas. When I asked him
why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport,
and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time."

A nice lady just called.
She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit
left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain
that Michigan was an hour ahead of llinois, but she could not understand
the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast,
and she bought that!

A woman called and asked,
"Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know
who's luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied,
"Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage
that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?" After putting
her on hold for a minute while I "looked into it" (I was actually laughing)
I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that
the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

I just got off the phone
with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked
him what exactly he meant, which he replied, "I was told my flight number
is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them."

A woman called and said,
"I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes." I asked
if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah,
whatever."

A businessman called and
had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China.
After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed
a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had
to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required
a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four
times and every time they have accepted my American Express."

A woman called to make
reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York"
The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent: "Are you sure
that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied
the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry,
ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find
a Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly.
Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map
of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo,
do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal!"